Mount Everest has nothing on my son. The 1-year-old mountain climber regularly treks the stairs in our house, typically stopping and staring at me after the first two. No-no, I tell him. And he usually listens.
He does this every day. He does it to spite me. I know it.
Because when I don’t notice, he climbs higher. And HIGHER. As I was folding laundry a mere two feet from the stairs, he got to the fifth one before I noticed him.
NO NOOO! I hollered as I reached for him, fearing he’d fall and land in the emergency room… or worse. I’m not proud of this, but I even swatted his little 1-year-old behind. Not hard. I don’t even think he noticed. But how do you teach young children to mind you?
That’s the topic of a guest post today by Annie Kirschenmann, M.S., BC-DMT, NCC, Certified Corporate Business Coach, Certified NLP Practitioner.
Annie writes about enforcing discipline with “dance,” meaning thinking about how to handle a situation before it escalates five stairs and ends with a paddled pa-toot. Discipline, Annie says, can even be fun.
From Annie:
The other day, I was scanning some books on my shelf, and came across one I hadn’t picked up in years, called “Playful Parenting – Turning the Dilemma of Discipline into Fun and Games.” (Denise Chapman Weston and Mark S. Weston) A veritable treasure trove of great ideas for caregivers, one of the key ingredients in the Westons’ recipe for success is called “positive discipline” for “misbehavior”.
Huh? There is a lot to get your attention in that paragraph! I reckon disciplining your child, (What? How? When?), is one of the biggest ongoing challenges for any parent. Usually when the word “discipline” is used in reference to children, it implies punishment for some type of “wrong doing” — to set the kids straight. So this could require a paradigm shift for some. Come along for the ride and see what you think!
Let’s begin by recognizing that the core word in “misbehavior” is “behavior” — observable, tangible, body movement is involved. When our children are doing anything, they are exhibiting movement behaviors.
So following this behavioral line, what then, is the “dance” of discipline? See if this seems at all familiar:
Step 1 of the Dance: Junior refuses to pick up his toys (his “job”) and is digging in his heels. Lots of shouting “NO!, arm crossing, sitting down on the floor.
Step 2 of the Dance: Your mother is on her way over, and the last thing you want to hear about are the stuffed animals littering the room. You are running out of time, your patience is getting thin, stress levels are going up — so you start insisting Junior pick up those toys. Perhaps your voice rises or you grit your teeth or tension takes over your shoulders.
Step 3 of the Dance: Junior, (really into it now!), runs out of the room, down the stairs – screaming — and hides under the sink.
Step 4 of the Dance: Maybe you follow Junior, pick him up and bring him back (you are, after all, still bigger than he is!); or maybe you give up and put away the toys yourself. However, the battle lines are drawn between the two of you now; it probably won’t be any easier the next time.
Unless YOU make a change. This is where movement behavior becomes your ally. If you are a regular reader of my guest blogs here, you already know that kids are always in motion and expressing through movement. So are you. Since any behavior on the part of your child (“good” or “bad”) is movement based and expressed in the body, then it makes sense that discipline is also. This is your “in” to changing the steps in the “Dance of Discipline.”
In order to make a productive change in how this plays out, it is important that you reflect on your part in “the dance”:
- What does your child do that gets your goat? When she engages in these behaviors, how does she do it? What do you notice about her movement expressions?
- How do you respond on a physical level when your child “misbehaves” in this way? What do you notice in your body? In the sound of your voice? Your thoughts and emotions?
- Are you unintentionally engaging your little one in a power struggle? (and PS: you don’t have to say a word to create that battle!)
Here is what the Westons’ say about their definition of discipline: “. . .a planned response to a child’s behavior (not yelling, demeaning, spanking or intimidating. . .”).
This is about becoming more proactive and less reactive in your own behavior. And having done the reflection recommended above, you are now ready to begin planning your response to the “Dance of Discipline.” Remember that you do have control over your behavior; your actions and reactions.
In the “Dance” described above, what proactive steps might the parent have taken to create a different outcome? The general idea is to do something unexpected and engaging. Here are a few suggestions to help diffuse these types of situations:
- Begin a game of hide and seek with your child and the toys
- Start singing about the toys
- Initiate a little dance with your child, moving toward and away from her, in a simple rhythm, with one of the toys, making it dance too. . .right onto the shelf.
Of course, the best plans are laid in advance, perhaps avoiding the battle all together. In the putting-toys-away scenario the parent could brainstorm ways to make picking up toys regularly a fun game. For example, lay out a series of colorful circles on the floor, leading to the toy chest. Junior can hop on the circles as he gathers up and puts away the toys. Maybe use a putting-toys-away song that he enjoys.
Here are just a few pro-active discipline solutions offered by the Westons:
- Hygiene Hip Hop: create a song and dance to help kids brush their teeth, wash behind their ears, etc. (for ages 3-10)
- Stomp Your Feet: healthy outlet for aggressive or angry energy – give your child a sheet of bubble pack wrapping and let her stamp out all the bubbles. Age? As soon as she can do it!
- Three-Penny-Feelings Opera: pretending to be sad, happy, mad, frustrated, etc., while singing a song (even the alphabet will do – any song your child knows). This helps him to identify and recognize emotions, which in turn decreases “acting out” behaviors.
Want more ideas? “Playful Parenting” is a great reference book for all caregivers – here’s a link for more info on Amazon.
Have fun and turn the “Dance of Discipline” into the Happy Dance of Discipline!
Annie Kirschenmann is a board certified Dance/Movement Therapist and a non-verbal communication expert; a Nationally Certified Counselor; a Certified Corporate Business Coach; and a Certified NLP Practitioner. She holds her M.S. from Hunter College (NY) and her BA from Macalester College (St. Paul). Annie’s award winning master’s thesis is on the therapeutic benefits of smiling, laughter and humor. She is the owner and lead coach/consultant for A.K. Coach and Company (AKACoachAndCompany.com). She can be reached by email at: Annie@AKACoachAndCompany.com
